(un)Defined

“One step forward and two steps back”…whatever song it is that has that line seems like its playing on repeat and man is it the story of all facets of my life right now…

Back home… Damn traffic… Jobless…

/sigh…

Fly, fly, fly, fly

I know people change but I hate we’ve changed
And it’s killing me just trying to figure out where we are
‘Cause it ain’t the same, girl I’ll take the blame
And I’m willing to take this chance if you feel we’ve traveled too far

Lord knows I wanna keep you
Life without you I just can’t see it
But sometimes you gotta let love be what it’s gonna be

I’ma let you fly and pray you come back to me
‘Cause I do believe if I let you fly and you fly right back
Then it was meant to be
So fly, fly, fly, fly

It was only me, taking flights over sea
But now it’s you ‘cause they’ve finally realized you’re a star
Whenever we’re in the same place at the same time
No, we don’t feel the same way, I wanna rewind
Take it back to where things made sense, I think we’ve flown too far

Lord knows I wanna keep you
Life without you, damn I can’t see it
Sometimes you gotta let love be what it’s gonna be

I’ma let you fly and pray you come back to me
‘Cause I do believe if I let you fly and you fly right back
Then it was meant to be
So fly, fly, fly, fly

Fly, fly and all I know to let you do is to let you
Fly, fly, hey I wanna fly with you but
I know you, I know you gotta see what you gotta see
Fly, fly and I hope you fly back to me if I let ya

I’ma let you fly and pray you come back to me
‘Cause I do believe if I let you fly and you fly right back
Then it was meant to be
So fly, fly, fly, fly

Fly, fly and all I know to let you do is to let you
Fly, fly, hey I wanna fly with you but
I know you, I know you gotta see what you gotta see
Fly, fly and I hope you fly back to me if I let ya

i realized that i tend to write when im sleep deprived and tired…procrastinating on sleeping. what a fail. i always pay for it the next day. oh well. i’ve been having trouble sleeping lately. i think i have too much on my mind. theres the pressures from home (although they claim its not pressure, and maybe compared to what some parents do to their kids its not) and then theres pressure that i’m putting on myself and stress from my paper that is so far from being where its supposed to be at at this point that its not even funny. and theres the stress of classes to choose, work, and lets not even start with lab. plus of course Justin is going into this super big important test so i havent been able to talk to him for forever and really i think the moral of the story was that being home wasnt good for me. christmas break, for the first time in years, and sadly because its likely to be my last one for awhile (possibly forever), was the most stressful time of my year. 

i have the same arguments with myself about what to do and why i should do it and how to get to where i want to go and nothing ever seems to hit it right. so i say i should just go get a job and do whatever. but without a passion or a strong desire for any job, and with interests all over the board, where do you even begin looking? part of me wants to run away again…go back to asia and teach english for a year. or just screw it all and stay home and be a bum and let my parents support me and just deal with their wrath. but part of me REALLY needs to know what i’m doing next. Most ppl keep saying “go with the flow”, “it’ll work itself out the way its supposed to”, “you’ll figure it out”, and other platitudes like that. and really none of them make sense to me. I dont get how if you don’t do anything, something will miraculously appear and fix your entire problem. 

i was told over christmas, multiple times in multiple ways, to not let life “get in the way.” I interpret this to mean that i’m supposed to therefore work really hard at my career and get that settled before i have/live “life”. but this seems problematic to me. because, number 1, im not even so sure about the career thing, and number 2, if we only live once, shouldn’t we try to live it to the fullest?

i was also told, by a different source, that you’re only 22 once, and when is a better time to be irresponsible, and broke, and do what you want to do. So work a random job for a year or two, cuz the pay is good or whatever, and then blow it all doing whatever you want to do…travel the world, buy a new TV, or more likely a car…

and that sense of irresonsibility and freedom that that conjures up appeals to me. in a lot of ways, i think it makes sense. Why do i need a plan? why can’t i just do what makes me happy for awhile? don’t i deserve it? after this i have to get a real job and probably work 9-5, or some version of 9-5, for the rest of my life. so shouldn’t i go and play now, while i’m young and healthy and don’t mind living in hostels or eating instant noodles for dinner to save up my pennies.

but then part of me, a large part, just shies away from that irresponsiblity. wouldn’t i rather save my pennies to buy myself an appartment? to save for retirement? to save for my kids or my future? Shouldnt i be thinking about settling down? finding the place i want to live for the rest of my life (or at least longer than a year), and getting an appartment where my mentality isn’t that I shouldn’t buy too much or buy nice stuff cuz i’ll just have to move it in 6 months. or am i getting old before my time? even though i’m drawn to that idea, when im 28 and saddled with a mortgage, will i be kicking myself for being so “responsible” at 22? 

I know that I don’t need to do anything for anyone buy myself but I cant help but feel beholden to my parents. after all they raised me. so this christmas wasn’t awesome. it was too filled by ppl questioning me and pestering me and pressuring me and my stress level was at 99%. Is at 99%. it wasn’t just my parents. as a matter of face, for the msot part, they’re being pretty awesome about having this floating daughter that cant seem to get her act together. but everyone else…i just want to scream I DONT KNOW! CANT YOU SEE IM DOING MY BEST AND RIGHT NOW YOUR LAYING INTO ME FOR NO FREAKING REASON SO GO AWAY. but you cant do that as an adult. cuz that would be a tantrum. and no one likes a whiney kid. or a whiney adult for that matter. trust me. but its just that no one seems to get it.

Put on a happy face and no one can see what’s going on behind the scene. Fake it till you make it. But it’d be nice to have someone “faking” it with me. 

So that’s where i’m at. That’s why I have such a split personality sometimes. Cuz the mask falls off. lately and more and more inopportune times. I hope that doesn’t mean i’m getting closer to the breaking point. 

Cuz i wasn’t really sure i could get any closer.

Damn. I miss the days when my biggest worry was high school girl drama and rumor spreading. I never thought i’d say that.

(ok and no i’m not that depressed as this kinda seemed. i’m just stressed. very very very stressed. and sadly that stress level will not be declining until march. at the earliest)

mark zuckerberg claims that one of the big goals of facebook is to make the world transparent. that no one can be more than person, but one person can have many facets. and those facets arent easily seperated. theyre tied up in a mumble jumble that makes us each individual and unique. facebook is supposed to keep people honest. make it harder to conceal any part of you. which in turn, theoretically, will make the world a better and more tolerant place. in theory.

in theory this blog was a more realistic version of me. the one that made sense without the esoteric thought process that the other one has. but maybe zuckerberg had it write. it’s too hard to seperate. more importantly though, and more realistically, i’m just too lazy. its too much work to try and seperate the crazy and the normal. besides i dont blog enough to make it worth my while to separate everything. so this is the formal end of staceyshead.blogspot.com. well for now anyway. lol that might change again. so if you’re wondering where this string of thought is coming from. reference there for my more unusual, emo, twisted side. but returning to my original point on transparency.

i think that we’re all made up of contradictions, and that our actions are the responses we have to those contradictions. some people are better at seperating spheres and hollowing out certain boxes of their lives into neat categories. never paying attention or wondering about whats in those boxes except for when they put the time aside to. I can’t do that. maybe my brain is too ADD or maybe theres too much going on in my life, or maybe im just straight undisciplined. but i cannot ever seperate out certain things. oh some things i can. and some things im pretty disciplined with. but there are a couple things that never ever leave my mind. ever. 

and so i write. i write confusing things and i construct prose in my head that never gets written down and i try to talk myself into thinking about something else, but it doesnt work so well sometimes. and then it just sits and festers. and then leads to other self doubts. like wow, am i that much of a bimbo that i cant just concentrate on this REALLY important thing with all my energy? and then i get mad at myself and this ends in a weird spiral and makes me slightly on edge and crazy. well, maybe not so extreme. most days.

today was one of those days. one of those crazy days where you doubt everything you thought you knew about yourself. today made me feel dumb, in about every way you can feel dumb. which just makes me frustrated. which isnt condusive to anything.

so instead of studying or sleeping. im writing. which actually now makes me feel much better. so maybe this was a conducive usage of my time.

so for those of you who don’t know, and who care, my newest major academic project is centered around facebook. In so many ways the internet giant has taken over my life…i almost feel not guilty for spending so much time on it every day. too bad actual time spent on the website has no correlation to my project.

But did you know that…

1. Facebook has over 500 million users worldwide
2. 20 billion pieces of content are posted by members each month
3. Of that 20 billion pieces of content 3 BILLION photos are posted each month
4. You can have a maximum of 5000 friends (who has 5000 friends?!)
5. 75% of its active users are outside the US.
6. 35.3% of all Americans are on Facebook (think about how many grannies that means are FB users…or if none of them how saturated the rest of the population is)…42% of all of Canada’s population are on FB. 
7. Facebook operates in 75 languages.  
8. If the growth rates of FB and the Internet were to remain steady, by 2013 EVERYONE online would be on Facebook.

Maybe Facebook is taking over the ENTIRE world. 

(Factoids courtesy of the Facebook Effect by David Kirkpatrick)

Lately I feel like the little white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland…running around like a madman saying “I’m late, I’m late”. Cept I’m not late, exactly…I’m well…behind. And too much on my plate! Wah!